Monday, February 13, 2006
9:17 PM
Well, I'm sad again. Figures. It had to happen sooner or later. I can only go so long without completely hating myself. Is everyone like this? Does everyone wake up and just despise who they are, have become, and have always been? I'm not looking for sympathy or for people to say nice things to me in an attempt to make me feel better. The truth is, that it doesn't really work. There are really only two things in this world right now that make me feel good. Neither one of them are good for me. But it's some kind of addiction. Or a way of punishing myslef for this aweful person that I am. I don't like feeling this way. And for quite some time I hadn't. I actually was feeling good. Even those few precious moments before you fall asleep when you're either crying or in sweet relaxation. I don't even think I can cry. I'm too tired. So tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Maybe I just need this semester to be over with. Maybe I just need to find some sort of comfort out there. I just can't believe the way I feel about myself. I just hate it. They way I look, the way I talk. Even just the way I think. I hate it. I can't look in mirrors, I don't even look at my shadow. When I meet people I automatically assume they are thinking horrible things about me. That's probably why I can't make friends. It's so hard for me though. I don't know if this is how everyone feels or if it is just me. It's not like I haven't tried to like myself or to feel beautiful or charming but nothing helps. I dont know who I am, and maybe that is what I hate. Maybe its nto even just me in general. Maybe its because I dont know myself. I know I have people who care about me, which is why i'm posting this in my blog instead of just scraping it down in my journal like usual but i'm just scared. I dont know how to fix this. i'm tired of trying. I think that all this negative thinking about myself is really holding me back. I'm afraid to talk to people because i'm afraid i'll say something stupid or that they don't care what I have to say anyway.
I dont care what I have to say. I don't care about my classes. My dorm is a mess. I dont like art anymore. I havent taken pictures in a long time. I used to love photography. I liked my pictures. I hate them now. I havent taken pictures in a long time. I took 4 pictures at the new years eve party. 4. four lousy photographs. I used to like to go outside and walk and enjoy the outdoors and now I just want to crawl in bed or just sit with kayla because it's familar and comfortable. i'm not creative anymore. my thoughts and ideas are all plain and uninteresting. maybe i'm just worn out. work is stressful. i'm so afraid i'm doing everything wrong. i just dont want to screw up. i dont want them to think i'm stupid. i'm not stupid, i'm not. god, i hate this. nothing helps. i just cant cheer up. its not even like its been a bad day. i'm just sad. and angry. at myself. for stupid things, like simply being this sad and pathetic. i'm starting to see why kayla hates her birthday so much. please dont worry about me, friends, i'll be okay.