Friday, February 24, 2006
7:07 PM
Okay, so here's the deal folks, I'm not happy. I am trying so hard to love myself and yet I end up so disgusted with myself that I just can't deal with it properly. I end up taking my frustrations out on myself and I know that that is not healthy. Normal people don't do things like this. Why do I? I don't really have an explanation either. I guess i'm just pissed off at myself. I hate that I'm posting this on my blog, too. I've read people's blogs and journals that are just about how pathetic their lives are and it makes me sick. MOVE ON!! But now look where I am. Maybe it will be better after school is out. I don't know. For a while I was doing really good. Especially during the summer. I was so happy. I wasn't drowning my sorrys in bad poetry and sad sketchy drawings of things that are supposed to portray my "emotions" and yet here I am back to the same old me. What went wrong? It's not like I can't make friends either. I could easily put myslef out there to a whole bunch of people that I know and hang out with them, its just that I choose not to. That's not like me. I signed up for experiments at the university to earn extra credit in my psychology class and it was all about anxiety and depression. I'm so scared. I don't need to be a psychologist to understand what my scores would mean. Even little things I hadn't really thought about. Like loss of apetite and trouble sleeping when you feel so tired.
So, here is what I'm going to do. Everyday I am going to force myself to say something nice about myself. Something that I like. Or even some type of activity that I enjoy and why. Maybe this will help me find out who I am. Lately I just dont know. Am I preppy? Am I a free spirit who loves animals and nature? Or am I kinda punky and involved in music? I just don't know. I kind of like each one of these things a little bit. I'm just not sure how to express them. I hope I find out. So, I guess there is no better time to start this little project than right now. What do I like about myself?
Well, I really enjoy my taste in music. (Much credit to Steph) I can usually tell what type of music is really good. I sometimes can see what songs will be popular with the general public (which may not always be a good song) but generally I like almost all kinds of music, although I hate to admit it. I enjoy a little rap, rock, and even a little country. So I guess that is what I like about myself today.