Friday, April 28, 2006
8:19 PM
Today was on okay day. I went to English, skipped Viz Lit, had a bagel for breakfast and then went back to bed. After I got back up, I worked on my English portfolio and actually got something accomplished. It felt really good to have a feeling of satisfaction. I ate lunch with Kayla and then went back home. I worked on English for a while again, and took another nap. Then we went to Maggie's play. The House of Bernarda Alba. Maggie was good, as always, and MUCH better than a few of the poeple in the play. This one girl was soooo annoying. I got to hang out with Reid and I talked to Maggie's parents for a while. They're still the same, fun, crazy people they always have been. I really, REALLY, miss Maggie, though. And seeing how much she has changed tonight has really made me realize how much I have stayed the same. I don't feel like I have changed at all. I don't know who I am or what I want in life. I'm just another useless face in the crowd. Watching my feet as I walk down the street, what makes me any different from anyone else? I can't help but think of why I'm here, what good am I doing to anyone? Yes, I have friends, but I don't really feel like I really, really matter to people. I know that most of the people who read this mean SOOO much to me. And I can't say that I think I don't mean anything to those people, but I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out more over the summer. I have made a friend. She was my friend during first semester, but she lives in Abel so I haven't been able to hang out with her. But she lives in Lincoln and has already told me that we need to hang out this summer. I'm so excited. Her name is Jennie, and she's a lot of fun. I'm just afraid that i'm not going to be fun enough, or not be myself. I'm not at all the person who I was in high school. I'm not myself here. I'm not sarcastic and witty, like I, at least, thought that I was. I feel boring, mediocre. It's like i'm inside this glass box. Except, it's not just glass. Its a mirror. Because i'm never myself around other people. I become a reflection of who they are and everything that I am is just screaming to get out of this fucking box. But i'm trapped. I can't break the box open for fear of the shattered glass. Irony. I'm just so afraid of being myself that I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't know in high school, but I had an idea. My friends helped me become who I wanted to be. Now I just don't know.