Saturday, August 12, 2006
9:48 PM
Wow, talk about a downward spiral. I've been trying to stay upbeat about this whole Kayla thing. Before she left I tried lying to myself. Telling myself that it's a blessing that she's leaving. That she won't be there to remind me of all the things I've been trying not to do for years. That I'll finally be able to go out and make friends as "Charley" and not "Kayla and Charley" or "Kayla's Roomate." But the truth behind this, is that i'm not comfortable being Charley. I don't like who I am. I never have. I don't really know WHO I am. All I know is that i'm a 19 year old failure who has been in love with the same stupid asshole for almost 6 years. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had anyone remotely interested in me, and even the thought of all of this makes me sick to my stomach. I can't utter the words "Never Been Kissed" without the slightest gag. But through all this, I can't imagine why anyone would want to be with me. You may see this as one big pity parade, but it's my parade and don't fucking rain on it.
So, anyway, I decide that it's best for my sanity that I venture home on the day that Kayla leaves. I wanted to be with friends. Take my mind off of everything that has been bothering me. I get home and just like Thomas Wolfe once said, "You can't go home again." Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this. In fact, I've known this for a long time. But when I came home that week, I was hurt. All I could think about was how bored I was and how I just wanted to stop thinking. Then, my parents start nagging me about the whole MN trip. While their points were valid, I didn't want to hear them. I needed this trip. I needed to go. Get out of here. Do something but sit in my apartment reading books about people's lives that are much more interesting than my own. That's what my life is these days and I don't know how to stop it. I can't make friends because i'm too afraid of who I am. I'm too afraid to be too close to someone and have them completely forget about me in less than a month. Or to become very close to someone and have them move away. I don't know what to do. I even tried talking to maggie the other night. This was a fruitless effort. She's like a fucking stump. I could talk to her for hours and she'd just sit there. She would reply, but they were never warm, friendly, responses. Cold, sterile. Maybe she should have been a doctor. Goid. Ha. I have lost faith in everything. And what scares me the most is that the one person I care the most about is reading this and thinking about how crazy I am. And yet here I go. I just keep typing. Don't hate me. We had so much potential. Life fucked it up.
And though i'm standing still, the band will keep marching. The music will still be playing. The crowd will still be clapping and I will be in the middle of it all. Watching it all go by because i'm too afraid to make a move. If the music is so pretty, why am I still so sad?