Tuesday, September 19, 2006
9:28 PM
I have a lot on my mind right now. You wouldn't think so, as my social life is at an extreme minimum, but I just can't stop thinking about stuff lately. It could be the stupidest little thing that I just can't stop thinking about until I sort it all out. Or today I was staring at a 20 dollar bill (from my mom-i have 4.00 to my name right now) and I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, I knew what it was, and what it meant but I just stared at it trying to figure out the significance of a stupid piece of paper and why everybody wants it so bad that they'll do anything for it. And last night I made Mac 'n' Cheese (which turned out aweful) and as I was stirring it, I realized that it made the weirdest noise when stirred and I couldn't stop. I really could not make myself stop stirring this stupid macaroni. I couldn't figure it out. It was the weirdest noise. I guess I just can't figure anything out lately. Nothing makes sense to me. School, work, frendships. I just don't understand them. Anything.
I miss hanging out. I know everytime I come home I talk about how I don't want to just watch a movie or just sit around, but I actually miss it. Not the sitting around part, necessarily, I do plenty of that by myself. It's just that all the people that I want to sit around with live away from me. I'm afraid that they've all found other people to sit around with. And yet, I would be sad if you guys didn't have these people. You all desearve them, but don't I deserve them as well? I'm not perfect; no one is. At least i'm making an effort, which is more than I can say about last year. I don't understand why I didn't make a bigger attempt to hang out with reid or garrett or maggie last year. Or this year, for that matter. I'm sure if i were to talk to garrett he would sit around with me. Reid might, if he wasn't busy. He has so many friends. I knew he would.
I just wish that I didn't have to do this by myself. I shouldn't have to let a late night msn convo be one of my only social interactions of the day. I love it, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't wait for it everyday if I didn't.
It's all just so strange though. Like, I can't really tell if i'm happy or if i'm not happy or if i'm mad or anything. I think i'm happy, it feels kind of like it. It's just that something is missing. One thing is missing and I'm never going to get it, so I guess it's just a matter of replacing it right? I just hope that it's almost as good as the original.