Thursday, October 26, 2006
8:26 PM
Do you ever just stop feeling? Like, you have been through so much in one week that you don't even know what to feel anymore? Like everything is blending together, and you can't sort through it anymore. Tonight I started to realize that next year i'll be a junior in college. A junior in college with no friends and no life. It's a pretty big realization to wrap your mind around. I'm so scared. Things start to feel normal for a while and then something happens to change the way things are going and you start to worry that you've messed it up for good. And that's it. You don't get second tries. Game Over. And it's so wierd, because overall, I think i've enjoyed my first semester. I mean, a lot of the time, it sucks, but I get so excited over little things that when they happen, it's great and I start to forget what's bothering me. But when those little things are gone, you start to realize just what a mess you really are. And it's scaring the hell out of me. I just feel like i've messed everything up and I don't know how to fix it. My entire life, i've just messed it up. Like, i've done nothing right. I haven't been a good friend or a good person and I just don't know how to make everything better. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't figure it out. I want to make things better, I want to have a normal life but I don't know how anymore. It's been a strange couple of years. I don't really regret it, but it's just not what I would have ever imagined for myself. It's so strange. It doesn't even feel like my life anymore. It's as if i'm waiting for my real life to come back. Like I put it on hold for a while so I could try something different. It doesn't even feel like me driving home from class, going to my apartment, it just doesn't feel right. It just feels so wierd. It's just not right. Something is just not right. I don't get it. I can't figure it out. I wish I could but I can't. Maybe I just need to realize that this is my life and I can't keep pretending that it's not. I don't really deal with things. I just push them aside or cut them up into little pieces and put them away in a box in my closet and never look at them again, trying to forget about it. Like my friend Amy keeps wanting me to go to a church thing of hers. Each week I get all dressed up to go, I get all my things together and then I stand by the door for 5 minutes before panicking and not going. Then when she calls, I just stare at the phone, not knowing what to do. So I silence it and pretend it never happened. This usually works for an hour before the guilt starts sinking in. Then it just wears at me all night until I feel so bad for not going or not talking to her or anything that I can't even sleep. I just toss and turn and think about everything and everyone. I just don't want to be alone anymore. If you would have asked me 2 years ago, what my biggest fear was, I probably would have told you frogs (which is partly true) but, what I never told anyone, was that my biggest fear is being alone. And now i'm living it. And it scares me to death.