Tuesday, May 01, 2007
11:15 PM
The quiet, lonely life I have made for myself over the past 12 months is packed up in boxes and sitting in my living room. My knick-knacks, my memories, my wishes, are all waiting patiently to find a new home. As excited as I am to move, I was absolutely sick this morning before signing my life away to a 12-month lease. I think I signed away much more than just my residence for a year. I'm a little sad to see a certain aspect of my life come to an end, but it is time. It's time to let go of childish hopes. I'm still so excited to move. Tonight I was at the apartment trying to put a few things away and it just felt right. It felt homey. Lionsgate never had that feeling. At least not until around March.
To add to the nausea from my lease signing, I found out that the friend that I was so mad at for avoiding me and our coffee date did, in fact, tell me what time we would meet, and because my e-mail apparently does not like to alert me when people write on my Facebook wall, I stood her up. I feel horrible. I made an ass of myself to her last year and kind of lost her friendship. I deserved it. But I spent a good portion of this year wishing things could just be good again. Finally, about a week ago, we decided to get coffee. I was so excited. I can't express how much this cup of coffee meant to me. The night before I left her a message asking if we were still on for coffee and come the next afternoon I still hadn't heard anything. I started to panic around noon. It wasn't until about 3:00 that I left her a half-assed msn message saying I couldn't make coffee after all, in an attempt to make myself not look like such a loser. A couple days later I happened to look at my facebook wall to see a few messages from a couple different friends, and there it was. The reply to my question about coffee, along with a note saying that she was there...alone. I was crushed. Not only did I fuck things up last year, but I'm well on my way to have fucked them up this year. Sometimes I disgust myself. If I would have just looked at my wall on sunday night, then this entire mess would have been avoided and I would have been able to have had coffee with a friend that I have so dearly missed. I don't understand how i'm so capable of royally fucking things up. I feel like crap. I just hope she forgives me.