Saturday, May 19, 2007
10:58 PM
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to St. Louis with Kayla and her family where I will spend a week discovering Kayla's new life. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of a lot of things. I'm scared of going and wanting to come home. And I'm afraid of going and not wanting to come home. I only have one thing here that is keeping me around and sometimes I wonder if even that is worth it. I know I'm going to have fun but I can't help but be terrified of going. I will be flying alone for the first time but I have no ride from the airport. Doesn't exactly make a person anxious to arrive. I don't know. It has been such a weird year without Kayla. She's had a huge impact on my life in ways that I couldn't even begin to describe and I'm scared of facing the truth about my own life and what really matters. It's weird how life changes. People change. I change. I can't tell if I'm really excited to go or scared shitless. It's driving me crazy. I KNOW I will have a good time, so what is holding me back? Why am I so afraid of going? I'm afraid of losing my best friend again. I've lost a lot of them throughout the years in one way or another and I don't think I can deal with losing this particular one again. Once was hard enough. Ugh, it's so silly. Why do I make things so complicated? I'm getting ready to go visit a friend for a whole week and here I am making everything more difficult than it really should be. Oh well, I suppose that's just me.