Sunday, November 04, 2007
12:42 AM
*i apologize for the following depressing rant. please skip to the bottom if you'd like to ignore my self pity. *
do you want the truth? really? are you sure?
because i don't. it's not a pretty scene.
the truth is that i'm tired. i'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired.
the truth is that there are days that i can't get out of bed. i sit in the dark. alone. for hours.
the truth is that i don't know who i am anymore. or how i got here. or why anything happens the way it does.
the truth is that i hate being so fucking alone.
the truth is that i hate who i am. or who i'm pretending to be. or even just the empty way i walk around anymore.
the truth is that i'm stupid. or at least, you make me feel stupid. no, i'm not as brilliant as you are, but lay off, okay?
the truth is that i miss her. sometimes i feel like i'm missing a part of myself.
the truth is that i'm scared that i'm right about knowing that she'll never come back. and that i'll never actually be happy.
the truth is that i'm not sure there is no god. i'm scared to death of the possibility that there actually could be.
the truth is that i'm angry. all the time. i'm just so angry.
the truth is that i'm always thinking. analyzing. every move. every word. every fucking breath. what if they laugh? what if i say something stupid? what if my pants are too short? what if my hair is sticking up? what if i answer this question wrong? what are they thinking about me? are they making fun of me? are they going to go home and tell their stupid friends about the ugly girl in class today? what if they're right?
the truth is that i'm going to be alone forever. it's been 20 years. i've yet to come close to a significant other.
the truth is that i'm afraid to make friends because i'm afraid they'll all leave me. everyone else has. [with exceptions]
the truth is that everything that is supposed to help, be supportive, only makes it worse.
the truth is that i can't get through a day without feeling like crap.
***
i'm just tired. and scared.
i'm scared of myself and the things that i think and feel. i know that everyone has problems and it's just life and knowing this only makes me feel worse about my own damn self pity. but i honestly can't help it. i try so hard everyday to just
have a good day and it's such a struggle.
some days are better than others, thankfully. but when they're bad-they're really bad.
i'm getting help though, i guess. i just hope it really helps.
***
on the bright side of things school is going well. i'm getting decent grades this semester and i'm actually attending class on a regular basis. i couldn't be more excited about that. the only thing that scares me is that i owe a lot of my class attendance to nick. having a roommate is great incentive to go to class. it's so different from last year. last year i spent almost an entire week shut up in my apartment and no one knew any different. it's a grim existence to know that you can lock yourself in your apartment, away from the world, and no one knows your missing. it hurts. like a bitch. it made going to class really hard. i dropped out of all but 2 classes that semester-and failed one of them. great job, charley. no wonder you're behind in credits. but things are better. i just don't want to have to rely on nick or any roommate for that matter, to make myself go to class or work. no one should have to rely on others like that.
my job has it's ups and downs. i don't work much but i suppose that's good so i can concentrate on school but i'm definitely poor. you wouldn't believe how many meals of cereal i've eaten in the past few months. that alone could depress someone. :] i'm currently looking for another job. something a little more hands on. i get too bored just answering phones and taking phone orders. it's so boring and it just makes me crabby. the pays okay but the hours aren't great with my schedule right now. i only get around 4 hours a day on the days i can work so it makes it hard to get a decent amount of hours.
i'm not looking forward to winter. my mom bought me snow boots. which only made me imagine my long walks to school at 7:30 in the morning trudging through snow and muck and freezing my tush off. i think there's a bus i can take though so lets hope that works out.
i've been having ups and downs about my major lately. i have serious doubts in my skill level. i just don't know if i have what it takes to hack it as a professional designer. what if what i think looks good looks like crap to everyone else? i'm sure that this sudden self doubt is due in large part to my mood lately so i'm trying not to let it get to me. in fact, i'm going to try to start to make some holiday cards here soon. as soon as i get a little inspiration. even though i'm not excited about winter, i'm always excited about the christmas season. i can decorate a christmas tree like nobody's business. i wish you could make a career out of it. that would be my dream job. i'm not even kidding. i enjoy it THAT much.
okay, it's now time i try to get some sleep. thanks to daylight savings time i get a whole extra hour to sleep. ah, i love fall.
again, sorry for my depressing rant. it just helps to get it out sometimes.